It was Sunday morning, around 10am. I had just woken up from a night of drinking- I threw a birthday party at my apartment, and had the tell tale headache of a good night. I made myself some real greasy bacon, eggs, and some coffee to get myself back together. I turned on Lyft around 10:45, as I usually do when i'm at my apartment with nothing to do. I get a ping around 11, jump into some clothes and get out the door. I drive to an apartment complex about ten minutes away, on street road for those of you familiar with Philadelphia suburbs. Two girls start walking up to my car, and I should have known something was up when I saw that they were wearing sunglasses on an overcast day. They get in and greet me too enthusiastically, and request that I put on some "hardcore rap". I tell them that I have an aux cord that they can use to put anything they want on. They light up, and start bickering about whether they should put on Lil Wayne or Mac Miller. This is when I notice a strong smell of liqour in the air- I started to panic a little bit, because people were drinking in my car the night before, and I thought that it could be lingering from that. My fears subsided when one of the girls gets in my face, close enough for me to smell the tequila on her breath, and lets me know that "were putting on lil wayne!". Great! and we were off to Philly. We were on 95, and "We be steady mobbing" just got on. As lil wayne was rapping about how he has so many bathrooms that he could shit all day, one of the girls said " I hope this isn't, like, offensive to you." Not at all, I'm not one to be easily offended.
Further up the highway, I notice one of the girls has gotten out of her seat. She has her phone in her hand. She leans over the passenger seat, and at this point is trying to discreetly take a selfy with me in the background. By "discreetly" I mean she was about 6 inches away from me, with her arm practically around me. Advice for passengers- just ask , so you don't look like an idiot.
We get into the city! Drunk selfie girl starts complaining about how dirty the city is, and how "if they just, like, cleaned it more it would't be like this." Not sure why shes not on the city council. I drop them off on Colombus Boulevard. 12pm. My final thought- I think it might be time for a drink.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
The Overly Friendly Drunk guy
As almost everyone knows, drunk people are just more fun to be around then sober sailors. There super friendly, more generous, and laugh at even your dumbest jokes that your friends would kick your ass for telling... if they still wanted to be seen around you. This rule holds true when lyfting. Last Saturday night, I was in the city driving. Around 8:30, I get a ping to pick up some guy from a dive bar in Olde City. I pick him up, and as soon as he gets in, I can tell it would take him almost a full day to pass a breathalyzer test. Hes gone. He enthusiastically slaps my shoulder and greets me with a "heeeeey MAN". He needed a ride back to his house, a 5 minute ride. We joked around until we got to his door, which is where things got interesting. He told me that he was going in his house to "pregame" with a couple girls, and asked if he could call me when they were ready to go out. Instead of asking him what the point of going to the bar was if he was pre gaming now, I gave him my number and said "yea man. yea thats cool." I drove off into the night, not expecting to hear from him again as I assumed he would be passed out on the couch within 5 minutes.
About 45 minutes later though, I get a call. "YO COME BY THE SPOT. WE READY." Alright, I ready too then. I pick up this drunken fool, who surprisingly comes out with two bombshells. He sits in the front seat, and greets me like an old friend, probably in an attempt to seem cool to these two girls who are way out of his league. No amount of social proof was going to save him from his own drunken stupor though. He wanted to be taken to Morgans Pier, which was about 7 minutes from his house. The girls were having a good time talking in the back seat, interrupted every so often by the drunk fool, who would lean back and say something insightful like "sooo we gonna have a good time tonight?" or "you NEED to be drunk like me". Every time he did this, he would put his seat back upright and smile as if what he said was the smoothest line ever devised by a guy trying to get it on, when in reality the girls either laughed at how he slurred all his words, or completely ignored him... they were clearly there for the free ride and free drinks he was clearly going to provide them, as he was unlikely to provide any other value in his state.
So we get to Morgans Pier in about 6 minutes flat- I was determined to get there before this guy decided he wanted to yack some of the nights intake up. The ride cost $5 overall. The guy pulls out a $20 and asks if I had any change. I apologized and said that I only had a couple dollars- he responded "don't worry about it bro! I'm sure we'll see each other again! just take it!". I look forward to it, my friend.
About 45 minutes later though, I get a call. "YO COME BY THE SPOT. WE READY." Alright, I ready too then. I pick up this drunken fool, who surprisingly comes out with two bombshells. He sits in the front seat, and greets me like an old friend, probably in an attempt to seem cool to these two girls who are way out of his league. No amount of social proof was going to save him from his own drunken stupor though. He wanted to be taken to Morgans Pier, which was about 7 minutes from his house. The girls were having a good time talking in the back seat, interrupted every so often by the drunk fool, who would lean back and say something insightful like "sooo we gonna have a good time tonight?" or "you NEED to be drunk like me". Every time he did this, he would put his seat back upright and smile as if what he said was the smoothest line ever devised by a guy trying to get it on, when in reality the girls either laughed at how he slurred all his words, or completely ignored him... they were clearly there for the free ride and free drinks he was clearly going to provide them, as he was unlikely to provide any other value in his state.
So we get to Morgans Pier in about 6 minutes flat- I was determined to get there before this guy decided he wanted to yack some of the nights intake up. The ride cost $5 overall. The guy pulls out a $20 and asks if I had any change. I apologized and said that I only had a couple dollars- he responded "don't worry about it bro! I'm sure we'll see each other again! just take it!". I look forward to it, my friend.
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